Thursday, October 22, 2009

Bubble bath, a book, and Wine.. Oh my!

I thought about these three things pretty much half the day. The other half I spent bawling my eyes out because I started my cycle this morning, which means I am not pregnant, and the only insurance paid round of clomid did not work. Booo. I will put this the least depressing way I can, because the last thing I want is for anyone to feel sorry for me, or to bring anyone down, but I am pretty dissapointed. I have been testing everyday since Sunday and on Monday and Tuesday nights I got a very faint positive. It was there- Matt and I both saw it. It was light, but we looked at it a million times and we both saw it. Then last night, I decided to try a different brand, and it was negative. I cried then, and then had somewhat a bit of hope that there might be something there because I was still very nauseous. And then I started at work this morning, bright and early-and right on time might I add- and all I remember was someone set me off with an indirect comment- and I know nothing was meant by it- and the next thing I know I am having a melt down in my boss's office and my eyes are still swollen and puffy. Thank goodness she is wonderful and understanding, because I felt like a idiot, but really, she was so great about it. I am the most upset because of all the dang symptoms that are so misleading. I knew it could have been the medicine the whole time, I just didnt see how it could still be the medicine this week when I had heart burn, gagging while brushing my teeth, sick ever morning until 11am, STARVING. I figured that shot would have been way out of my system by then. Maybe not, who knows.
So now we move on. We are talking about different options because going ahead with the same route is pretty much out of the question, unless we save for a while and then try again, but like I said in my previous blogs, the same treatment I did this month will be $900 a month going forward and that does not include medication. Do I start saving for this, or do I take a step back and go to the new obgyn and let her take a look at my history? I am sure she could do the same things he does, and at a friendlier rate. Or do I try this "natural doctor" at work that other girls have seen? He regulates hormones and tells my coworkers to make sure they are taking birth control because if not they will be pregnant within a few months. Not sure which road to take. I am sad that I am not pregnant, but I know that the clomid/trigger shot got us closer than we have ever been, and that is comforting. I know God has a plan for us, and this month just wasnt it. I am ready for "our month".


Anonymous said...

I am so sorry. THose fake symptoms SUCK as do false positives. This infertility road is so awful at times. I wish that had some words of wisdom or advice but I have been trying to make similar decisions lately. Just know that I'm here and that I get it and that if you ever need to vent or cry I'm only an email away <3

Marla.z said...

I am right there with you, Sister! CD 1 for me, and NOT very happy about it. Quite bitchy and unreasonable, really. That doctor that focuses on hormones sounds like something I would be interested in, BIG TIME!!! And you may be drinking wine, but I am drinking apple cider doused with a generous portion of vodka. Happy AF.

The Durbin Blog said...

Oh no!!! You too? Sucks!!! Apple cider sounds delicious, especially with vodka! Never tried that!

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